we had a date planned for tonight but he just had to cancel. ik its not his fault and that its not personal but my paranoia is trying to tell m that hes realized theres something wrong with me. ik thats not it but thats what my brain is trying to tell me and i dont like it. shut up shut up he cant control it and its going to be fine. just shut up. dont let ur attitude towards this small thing ruin what u have and what u could have with him. just calm down. everythings fine.
sep 23, 2022 ~
im so happy. we've been talking non-stop since yesterday and he asked m if im free this weekend :)... i think this site might become dedicated to me and him and finally not my ex.
sep 22, 2022 ~
this cute guy like took m water out the side of m bag so i turned and then he gave it back- he asked what it was and i said u can try it if u want. and he tried it and said "..it tastes like starburst" and i was like yea its starburst flavored. and then we walked through the hall and dude hes adorable!! i asked m teacher if i could leave class a minute early so i could find him.. he said no but i did it anyways anddd I GOT HIS NUMBER WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! but m shoe fell off when i was running down the stairs
sep 20, 2022 ~
scared 4 m life rn cuz a guy is threatening m and m friend wif m personal info
sep 19, 2022 ~
falling back into bad habits..
sep 16, 2022 ~
i very bad man who did horrible things to m got in trouble cuz someone called the cops on him 4 m but now hes free :/
i waz 17 days sober but im drinking again. ow well i shouldnt hav to be sober for othwr ppl if i dont want to fuck off !! jus found out last night the guy i like has been getting SA-ed by his uncle and im jsyt scared i might lose him idk its ugh idk dude lol (intociixated rn sorry)
sep 15, 2022 ~
im upset.
sep 13, 2022 ~
learning to be ur own source of validation.. telling urself "good job sweetheart" when u figure out something difficult. or "im so proud of u". "ur so pretty". "adorble". VALIDATE URSELF!!!
sep 12, 2022 ~
its hard to mourn the "disappearance" or the "absence" of him, when i have nothing of his to hold while i cry. no sweatshirt that painfully smells of him, no plush that hes bought me, no pictures of us together, nothing. dont marry her. please dont. its supposed to be me and u, remember?? please? please god he has to be mine. ive put so much effort into him. i need him to be mine please. please dont make me stay up all night lighting candles and doing spells and offering my soul and freewill to anyone who can make him come back. im so exhausted i dont want to do that again. please. please please just let me and him be together forever. let me have my final breaths in his arms. please lord. i dont care if i live in poverty with him, just let me live with him. please god you know hes the only thing of true importance in my life. nothing else matters. if im not getting better for him than why am i getting better at all?? why am i 13 days sober if not to get better FOR HIM. im not getting better for myself. im much happier when im drunk anyways. im doing this for HIM cant u see?!?!?! i CARE about him. BUT NOW HE SAYS IM ABUSIVE?? I AM NOT AN ABUSER!!!! how could he say that?? how could he. i also tried to make up with my closest irl guy friend. he said a few weeks ago we should take a break from being friends. he told me he doesnt think we can be friends ever again bcuz his gf wouldnt like it and for other reasons. i snapped at him. he said im manipulative and i guilt trip him, and he says i want to hurt him. he said he never wanted to be my friend ever. then why did u?? why did u say im ur best friend. u said u wnted to be my friend even after u graduate. u cheated on ur girlfriend with me six times. six times?? ur a pig and i hope u overdose like ur brother. i dont think id even cry if u died. ur a very painfully pretty boy tho :( ur dark hair and chunky blonde highlights, ur height of about 6'1, ur dark eyes, the smell of ur cologne that follows me around in every classroom and every hallway. ive memorized the smell of it. its crazy how i was obsessed with u. youve changed. i wish u had some sense in that queer head of urs... ur so painfully oblivious and ur such a bad lier. i know u wanted so badly to be my friend.
sep 11, 2022 ~
i hate that my problems r so exhausting for others, i hate that nobody wants to deal with me anymore. i hate my face acne, i hate that nobody is interested in me bcuz of how i dress, i hate this world for turning me into some delusional girl with an unfixable victim complex and abusive tendencies.
sep 8, 2022 ~
ive been avoiding writing in here bcuz all i can think about is m ex. very much in my "She's not me" era...
...
"You're in love, you're in love, you're in love.
Well she might be here, might be hot;
But baby she's not me"
sep 5, 2022 ~
i started sewing !! its really fun.. i taught myself how to use m grandmas old machine and so far i made a pair of panties from scratch and im working on changing the collar on one of m sweaters to a Vneck and not a turtle neck!!!
sep 3, 2022 ~
im 4 days sober!!! m ex got a new gf and im just trying to not think about it. im ngl id rather him die then marry another girl. id rather kill him. but anyways i think im slipping back into my ed. im 5'6 and 109 lbs. middle school i was 85 lbs. i just wanna be 102 lbs. i know its a very dangerous thing tho. I think im different than other ppl wif anorexia bcuz , to put it simply im an INTP-T. i think rationally. since im already slightly underweight and i didnt get m period tell i was 14 due to m not having enough body fat, i very well could lose m period again. m purpose as a woman is to have kids. so id be useless if i was infertile. i just want to lose a small amount. but since i gained weight m boobs grew a bit. ive always been insecure abt not having boobs so idk what to do.
sep 2, 2022 ~
"On sunny days I go out walking I end up on a tree-lined street I look up at the gaps of sunlight I miss you more than anything"
...
The second of every month is always hard for m. This one is especially hard bcuz ik ur with her. u know i dont mean those cruel things i say. and while theyre coming out of my mouth the other half of me is screaming bcuz ik i shouldnt be saying it, im trying so hard to change but its gonna take a while. i cant stand the fact ur with her right now. im just having to block it out i refuse to acknowledge it. have fun okay. i still care for u so much im so sorry.
sep 1, 2022 ~
i was talking to this guy who also has bpd but he just deleted his acc out of nowhere so i cut myself and hit myself with a hammer.
...
mmm he did end up responding and it was cuz of his older sister
aug 29, 2022 ~
i messaged m ex but he hasnt responded :( its been like 2 days so i think he blocked m but oh well...he should know by now im always going to be a part of his life.
aug 28, 2022 ~
hes back in the psych ward yayyyy!! i also messaged m ex yesterday night i hope he doesnt block m again.
aug 27, 2022 ~
theres an investigation going on him. im scared. i feel like maybe i should speak in his favor if it goes to court. ik he got m swatted and he threatened m but its cuz he cares 4 m yk?
aug 26, 2022 ~
that guy i talked abt in deleted entries who black mailed m got the cops called on him. maybe now ill be able to find peace.
aug 25, 2022 ~
im scared. i deleted a bucnh of diary entries i think the feds r watching me.
aug 24, 2022 ~
..
...
goodnight wherever u r, goodnight to my ex bf. i hope u r safe and healing. heal without me and have fun without me. its time for the next chapter of ur life, but i wont be a part of it. goodluck. im proud of u baby, youve made me so very proud. its time for u to move on to bigger and much better things than just being my bf or exbf. its time for u to make a name for urself. its time for u to be an adult and leave such childish things as me behind, im not ready to grow up yet. maybe ill catch up to u one day, no promises tho.
aug 23, 2022 ~
..
...
stop school counselors r looking at m other personal blog apprently and like asking m friends about it.. they might know da name of this cite too so idk what imma
do.
aug 22, 2022 ~
personal finance guy is definitely mad at me. none of the guys over here will even look at m. they all hate m. what do i do. im gonna vomit
aug 21, 2022 ~
i miss my ex boyfriend.
...
...
i havent really had proper time to mourn the loss of m ex; so im taking that time now. i cant seem to shed and more tears. maybe if cried for him too much already? we dated for a bit over a year (on and off, lots of breaks) but we were getting along so well until the situation that resulted in m loosing m phone happened. i miss him, i really do. i still think im gonna end up marrying him. even if he said to never contact him ever and that hes done this time. i know itll work out. it has to work out.
aug 20, 2022 ~
ex cut contact, i hav his number memorized and ik how to make fake numbers. hes crazy. also i texted that other guy from m phone ill hav to check it later...
...
i got m flip phoneeee but i can only text and call on it and it only has 4 gb for pictures... if yall dont know i basically got m phone taken and wont get it back for a while
aug 19, 2022 ~
its currently 4:22 am anddd ive been updating dis website all night lol! imma shower in like 22 minutes :D but things r goin good wif da boyyy
...
aug 18, 2022 ~
today during lunch i fell asleep on his shoulder and he grabbed m thigh during class OMG andddd hes just so nice and theres no cons to him really. hes cute, doesnt talk to girls from what ive seen, has tons of friends, social, sweet, not afraid to make a moveeee... i just hope im good enough for him to ask me to be his girlfriend..ill keep yall updated!!
aug 17, 2022 ~
HE GRABBED M THIGH CALLED M PRETTY AND I UGHUGHGUGHGH
later!!
i miss him ugh :( i got m phone taken like last week so i cant text him. considering sneaking m phone back since ik where it is. idk tho
aug 16, 2022 ~
theres dis guy i sit wif in personal finance and OMG today like omg... like wtf. like basically i had m legs like laying on his lap and i grabbed his hand to "look at his stick and pokes" but THEN i put his hand on m leg and omg omg omg he like kept it there and kept gradually moving up like omg he is so nice and pretty too. maybe im moving on from m ex??
july 24, 2022 ~
me n him re talkin again :D im so happi
june 15, 2022 ~
apparently they arent dating. i hate myself tho
june 7, 2022 ~
alot has changed. my bf(ex) has a new gf. he wants me to seek treatment for BPD. if i get better he'll take m back??
may 27, 2022 ~
things just keep gettin better !!
may 24, 2022 ~
AHHHHJ things r going amazing wif m an him <3
may 18, 2022 ~
i feel awful. constantly dizzy.
may 17, 2022 ~
so fricking exhausted.
may 15, 2022 ~
im quite upset. i hope we can make it through this.
